You’ve already tossed your New Year’s resolution to get in shape out the window, right? Haven’t seen the inside of a gym since January 3rd? Figures, but I’m sure you have a good reason. Maybe you do and maybe you don’t but chances are it’s probably as illegitimate as the sorry souls who try to use the list below. Read on to uncover the Top 5 Workout Excuses as scientifically determined by our crack staff.

1.Too weak to open the gym door. Hmm, this is sort of a serious issue. Our advice would be to go to the gym every day and do as many pushups as you can on the sidewalk out front. In theory, as the weeks go by you should eventually become strong enough to actually get inside.

2. Didn’t know exercise was good for you. Not sure it has been conclusively proven that exercise IS good for you, but I guess we can accept that the possibility exists. Listen to the health media and pretend what they say is true.

3. Preoccupied with running for president. This would have been a legitimate excuse for the past two years but since the campaign is now over, this tired excuse won’t fly any more.

4. Too risky because of Most Wanted status. Ever since you moved into the #3 spot on the FBI’s Most Wanted List, you’ve been keeping a low profile and avoiding the gym so an off-duty cop doesn’t recognize you and administer a serious beating before arresting you. The obvious solution here is to get face transplant surgery.

5. Can’t afford a gym membership. Come on, who really can put down that kind of coin? Split the cost with a buddy and have him let you in the back door. If that’s still too steep, commit a crime that lands you in a state or federal pen. They have free workout facilities and, buddy, you’re going to need ‘em.

Got your own sorry ass excuse for letting your body go to hell and deteriorate into a tub of goo? Send ‘em in and we’ll determine if it’s legit. Over and out.

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