10. Your idea of a bicep curl is grabbing a beer or glass of wine

9. The only thing you are motivated to do is take a nap

8. You have to unbutton your pants after every meal

7. The only situp you do is getting out of bed

6. The last time you tried to do a pushup you broke your nose

5. You daughter rubs your belly and calls you Budda

4. The neighbors keep asking when you’re due

3. Your nickname is Beefcake

2. You haven’t seen your abs since 1979

1. You turn the lights off to get dressed

You don’t have to live this way! An online personal trainer can create an exercise plan to help you lose the weight, even if you never want to set foot in a gym or squeeze into a leotard. A personalized workout plan that can be completed with no equipment in the privacy and comfort of your own home, BUT still keeps you accountable to someone, is probably your best chance at reaching your weight loss goals. Hiring an online personal trainer that is able to motivate you, create a personal workout plan filled with exercises you want to do, combine it with a meal plan that is filling and healthy, and costs less than 2 hours with a traditional personal trainer is a cost effective way to get your dream body.

There is no magic weight loss pill. In other news, the Easter Bunny does not exist either. He was killed yesterday in a tragic reality awareness accident.

But back to StarCaps. This health hazard was sold by Beverly Hills socialite Nikki Haskell (not sure if she’s related to Eddie or not) and endorsed by her friends. You can’t sneeze in that town without hitting 12 actors desperate to drop pounds for a peachy role. While most of the offending products have been recalled, some websites such as 911healthshop.com and fastdietusa.com continue to sell a variety of the other brands.

StarCaps is promoted as a natural dietary supplement containing a rare blend of papaya and garlic but the FDA discovered bumetanide inside, a powerful diuretic that can cause serious health problems like high blood pressure, seizures, and toxic interactions with your other meds that make it hard for doctors to diagnose problems.

The FDA is planning to issue a long list of ALL the problem brands with hidden drugs in the near future. Stay tuned, Strangely, it appears that most of the supplements were imported from China, land of lead painted child toys and tainted milk. Hey Wal-Mart, thanks for training us to accept seriously inferior and dangerous foreign products into the public consciousness. I’m sure Sam would be proud.

Oh, by the way – WAL-MART SUCKS! And so does Nikki Haskell.

Read the whole article here.

If you’re a women who avoids the weight room at least let it be out of sheer stubbornness and not because you were in possession of incorrect facts.

Here’s the skinny.

While strength training does cause muscle growth, women simply do not have enough of the testosterone hormone to become muscle-bound and appear masculine. Them’s just the facts. The few women you may notice in international competitions, let’s just say they likely had a little synthetic help along the way. I seem to remember Russian women athletes with a pretty good mustache going…

Women should do high rep, low weight sets only. Wrong! If looking and feeling great is your goal, shoot for reps in the 5-8 range for 3-5 sets with enough weight to make you strain a bit. This will make sure you don’t lose muscle while dieting.

Use machines instead of barbells and dumbbells. Wrong! Free weights produce greater benefits because you can train several large muscle group at once, burning more calories in the process. As you age, free weights will leave you stronger, with better balance and less chance for injury.

Lose weight before you lift weights. Wrong! Studies show that combining aerobic exercise, diet, and strength training leads to greater overall loss of fat while retaining your all important muscle. ‘Nuff said.

No idea where to begin? No problem. Click here to find a sample free weight workout tailored to women. It’s towards the end of the first article on the page, right past the dispelling myths area I summarized in this post.

Train hard!

“Pardon me, sir, you have some spaghetti-“

“Those are my arms.”

“Sorry.”

Maybe your situation isn’t this dire but you could use some ideas for a down-and-dirty quick arm workout to squeeze into your busy schedule on the way home from work. You need a few basic exercises to work both biceps and triceps and here we go.

Standing Barbell Curls: Using a barbell for an arm workout sometimes gets lost in the mad rush to the dumbbell rack. Start off with this one to really put a load on your biceps and forearms. Grab a barbell loaded with weights in an underhanded grip, feet shoulder width apart. Let the bar hang at arm’s length in front of you. Keep your elbows tucked in and use only biceps strength to curl the bar up to shoulder level, then return it to the start with a controlled motion.

Preacher Curls: This one isolates the biceps well and uses lighter weights. Sit on the preacher bench with your upper arms flat on the pad, palms up. Have someone hand you the barbell. From the start position in front of your chin, lower the bar until your elbows are almost straight and you feel a good biceps stretch. Curl it back up, hold for a second and repeat.

Close Grip Bench Press: This basic exercise works the inner and outer heads of the triceps and, to a lesser extent, the pecs and deltoids. Assume the bench press position but grab the bar with a slightly narrower than shoulder width grip. Hold the bar above your lower chest, then lower until it touches but don’t let it bounce. Keep your arms tucked close to your sides and return to starting position.

Click here to see picture demonstrations of these exercises. Yes, there are a million different ways to work your arms. These three are simple, basic movements that will lay a great foundation for toning, strength, size, or all three.

Err…where’d that sponsor go? Never mind.

A sugar substitute can be natural or synthetic. It tries to duplicate the taste of sugar but has less food energy and fewer calories.

What can you really do with sweeteners that aren’t sugar? Apparently have problems baking. The following research was conducted at Consumer Reports. If you want a non-sugar sweetener for your tea or lemonade but hate the bitter aftertaste, best to go with fructose, which is the kind of sugar found in fruit and honey. It also gave better results than other sweeteners in baked goods but provided almost as many calories as sugar at five times the cost.

In lemonade, aspartame left no artificial aftertaste, while sucralose was definitely a little bitter. But unless you want three legged children, you might want to research further the possible adverse side effects of two of the oldest sweeteners, aspartame and saccharin.

Aspartame also tended to leave a baked cake flat, hard, dense, and not very sweet. Yummy. Not.

Stevia is the new kid on the block. Extracts of this herb claim to be 300 times sweeter than sugar. While widely used in Japan and Canada, it has been slower to catch on in the United States outside the carb-control diet crowd. It is also popular with diabetics due to its negligible effect on blood glucose.

Which leads us back to sugar. Here’s a nice little article contrasting the various forms of sugar. Does your head hurt yet? Here’s an idea to solve the problem once and for all. Get down to local urgent care clinic and have your sweet gland removed.

No, I’m not talking about shadowboxing with parrots.

With those two simple hands you could do pushups, man! Pushups. The military seems to be the only segment of society that still recognizes exactly how powerful a training tool this one simple exercise can be.

Pushups are great for your chest, triceps, abs, shoulders, and torso. Best of all, you don’t need any fancy equipment. You have an entire upper body training routine available to you using only pushups. A dedicated person could make more health and physical fitness progress with pushups that the majority of fair weather fitness freaks do spending hundreds on gym memberships.

Not suggesting you run out and cancel your gym contract. Just don’t dismiss pushups as an antiquated tool. Here’s an interesting website that’s all about teaching you how to progress until you can do 100 pushups as its total training and strengthening program.

Most people are probably familiar with the standard pushup, feet on the floor, hands just outside your shoulders, but there are many variations that target different areas of the body. Here’s an interesting article describing wide-stance, diamond, and elevated pushups as well. For example, raise your feet by placing them on a bench or chair and not only increase the weight being lifted but shift the target area to the upper pecs.

Hey, tired of having sand kicked in your face on the beach? Whyn’t you try some pushups?

It’s obvious many parents of overweight children are dealing with issues of their own but, hey, you brought them into this world and it’s squarely up to you to see that make it into adulthood as healthy as they can be.

You need to get them moving.

No, not with U-Haul. With exercise! Even if they hate it at first. Here are some ideas to get started. It should come as a big surprise to no one that the more time a child spends with video games, television, and computers, the heavier they are likely to be. These activities require little to no physical exertion, so what do you expect? You’ve got to pry their grubby little fingers off the technology. Try limiting daily time spent on these activities.

Or, as Yoda might say, “Don’t try. Do or do not. There is no try.”

As a parent, you’ll probably find more success in steering your child towards a vigorous activity rather than planning a gym workout. Maybe you want to participate with them. Use the extra time that’s no longer devoted to lolling in front of technology for things like soccer, basketball, roller blading, bike riding, or team sports. Consider a martial arts or gymnastics class. Anything you can think of. It is critical to get them moving. Shoot for 20 to 30 minutes a day three or four times a week.

Who knows, you just might get them addicted to something besides The Suite Life of Zack and Cody. Click here to read an article with some sneaky ideas about how to wean the young ‘uns off the video games and television.

It all depends on which one you grab. Some of the choices masquerading as ‘health’ bars are so packed with sugar and high fructose corn syrup you’d be better off ripping open a five pound bag and snorting the white stuff.

Turn your energy bar over and look at the label. Here’s a quick rundown of what you should pay attention to:

Calorie content: Look for bars with fewer than 200 calories. This is supposed to be a snack, not a four-course meal.

Check the serving size: Many times, food companies try to fake you out by saying the bar is actually two servings, thus the calorie count you just looked at might be misleading.

Look for whole grains: Whole grains should be one of the first ingredients, otherwise, el crappo.

Sugar content: This is where many energy bars go seriously awry. Take the number of sugar grams and divide by four to get the number of teaspoons of sugar. Try to keep it below two per serving.

Protein content: Check the protein grams. You need enough so you won’t be feeling hungry again an hour later. Divide your body weight in pounds by 2.2 to arrive at kilograms. You need about one gram of protein daily for every kilogram of body weight.

Other considerations: Look for at least three grams of fiber per serving and no trans fat. Click here to read a quick article about WHEN you should eat an energy bar.

Wanna see how your bar of choice stacks up against Snickers or Pop Tarts? Click here. You might be surprised and revolted.

Don’t whine. Just get busy. Massive pecs and bird legs don’t impress anyone. This workout is perfect for the ladies also. Just lower the weight and do higher reps if you don’t want to build muscle mass.

Squat: The granddaddy of leg exercises works thighs, quads, butt, hamstrings. It’s probably the single most beneficial exercise you can do for your entire body. Start with the barbell loaded with weights on the squat rack. Let it rest on the back of your neck, hands shoulder width apart. Straighten your legs and take a step back to clear the rack. Keep your head up and eyes focused on a spot on the wall in front of you. Feet shoulder width apart, toes pointed slightly outward, back straight. Bend at the knees until your thighs are parallel to the floor, then return to start. Simple and effective!

Leg Press: Similar to the squat except you’re on a machine either flat or angled. Excellent for isolating the quads. Hold the hand supports, feet on the lifting platform about 12 inches apart. Straighten your legs to raise the sliding platform. Lower it in a controlled fashion and don’t let it bounce at the bottom. Burn is good!

Leg Extensions: Again – isolates the quadriceps. Sit on the leg extension machine with your feet hooked beneath the lower set of pads. Hold yourself firmly in place on the bench. Start with light weight. Use your quad power to straighten your legs and raise the weight. If you have to bounce or jerk, it’s too heavy. Movement should be smooth and controlled.

These three leg exercises are a great way to get into the habit of working your legs regularly or to simplify your workout if it’s gotten too complicated. A return to basics every once in a while never hurt anyone and might get you out of the habit of spending more time than is necessary in the gym. Get in. Get it done. Get out.

Find a nice college gym. That’s where the hot bodies and loose morals are more likely to be found. Now what do you need? An oh-so-smooth pickup line, of course. Here are a few winners guaranteed to get you slapped, punched, spat upon, kneed in the groin, or reported to management. Proceed with care.

For Women Scamming Men:

“Hi, the voices in my head told me to come talk to you.”

“Can I lick that film off your teeth?”

“Do these look real?”

“Hi.” (It doesn’t take much to pick up the average guy)

“If you were a booger, I’d pick you first.”

For Men Scamming Women:

“Pardon me, are you in heat?”

“Bond. James Bond.”

“You’re so hot, you melt the plastic in my underwear.”

“I know milk does a body good but, baby, how much have you been drinking?”

“If I follow you home will you keep me?”

To be honest, many of these classy pick up lines are interchangeable between the sexes. They’re all so bad they just might work. Then again, they might not. If you find yourself actually considering the use of one of these lines, here’s some advice – don’t. Here’s an even crazier idea. Try actual conversation. I’ve heard it used to work in the old days.