Find a nice college gym. That’s where the hot bodies and loose morals are more likely to be found. Now what do you need? An oh-so-smooth pickup line, of course. Here are a few winners guaranteed to get you slapped, punched, spat upon, kneed in the groin, or reported to management. Proceed with care.

For Women Scamming Men:

“Hi, the voices in my head told me to come talk to you.”

“Can I lick that film off your teeth?”

“Do these look real?”

“Hi.” (It doesn’t take much to pick up the average guy)

“If you were a booger, I’d pick you first.”

For Men Scamming Women:

“Pardon me, are you in heat?”

“Bond. James Bond.”

“You’re so hot, you melt the plastic in my underwear.”

“I know milk does a body good but, baby, how much have you been drinking?”

“If I follow you home will you keep me?”

To be honest, many of these classy pick up lines are interchangeable between the sexes. They’re all so bad they just might work. Then again, they might not. If you find yourself actually considering the use of one of these lines, here’s some advice – don’t. Here’s an even crazier idea. Try actual conversation. I’ve heard it used to work in the old days.

The other 86% of us, we say we’re there for a workout but don’t mind mixing a little pleasure with our business and we’re not above being hyper-aware of exactly how much we’re impressing the guy or gal pumping away next to us.

Here’s a list of 10 things that could happen to you in the midst of your workout that you will never, ever live down. Commit one of these and you might as well change your name and move to another country.

*Shrieking for help with a stainless steel bar across your neck, fingers pinned beneath, because you tried to bench 300 lbs without a spotter. Idiot!

*Passing out in the sauna because you ignored your heart condition and had to be revived by an EMT and taken away on a stretcher. Cretin!

*Cutting a loud fart on the 5th rep of a 10 rep set. Moron!

*Actually soiling yourself on the 6th rep and crab-walking to the bathroom with a stain on your rear. Mental defective!

*Getting caught checking yourself out in the mirror. Imbecile!

*Thinking the swimming pool welcomed European-style nudity when it didn’t. Dullard!

*Getting lost while you’re crab-walking around in your crap drawers and following an androgynous person into the wrong bathroom. Jackass!

*Grunting really loud on the final rep and splitting your pants all the way through to your Tweety Birds.
*Leaving yucky sweat on the bench right before the opposite sex hottie you’ve been eyeing for months uses it. Jerk!

*Using a machine for six months the same way, then having the previously mentioned hottie point out you’re doing it all wrong and it targets an entirely different muscle group. Ninny!

Here’s to hoping you didn’t spot yourself up there.

Still, maybe one of the following devices are exactly what you’ve been waiting your whole life to find, if not for the fitness potential, then surely for the comedy value.

Ladies and gentlemen, introducing:

Osim IGallop: Legitimate exercise device or thinly disguised sex machine? You Decide. Click here to view the commercial.

Power Plate: Ever wanted to simply stand on something that vibrated you back to good health? Want no longer. Click here to find out what life inside a vibrator is like.

JumpSnap: Now you can jump rope – without the rope! Perfect for the uncoordinated and the gullible. Click here.

HandyTrim: Bet you never thought you could become Mr. Olympia by spinning a yo yo. Ha! You can’t. But you can click here to discover a new fad the world could do without.

Weight Loss Magnet Earrings: From the Chinese Center for Stupid Western Devil Tricks – lose weight by wearing magnet earrings. Click here to participate in the lunacy.

Shanghia Exercise Chairs: Do the Twist sitting down. Seriously, why spend hundreds for one of these when you can do the exact same thing on your toilet at home while you’re pooping? Kill two birds with one stone. Click here for the horror.

Hula Chair: Umm, does it come with the girl to demonstrate how to use it? Thank you, Japan, for another national nightmare. Click here if you have nothing better to do.

The sad part about it all is you could go out right now with your credit card and acquire every single piece of ‘fitness’ equipment on this list. In fact, I dare you to do just that. Go on. Do it. Start your own personal training business. Franchise in the East first. They seem to like this stuff.

By the way, this list in no way supersedes the recent post about equipping a cheap home gym.

1.Too weak to open the gym door. Hmm, this is sort of a serious issue. Our advice would be to go to the gym every day and do as many pushups as you can on the sidewalk out front. In theory, as the weeks go by you should eventually become strong enough to actually get inside.

2. Didn’t know exercise was good for you. Not sure it has been conclusively proven that exercise IS good for you, but I guess we can accept that the possibility exists. Listen to the health media and pretend what they say is true.

3. Preoccupied with running for president. This would have been a legitimate excuse for the past two years but since the campaign is now over, this tired excuse won’t fly any more.

4. Too risky because of Most Wanted status. Ever since you moved into the #3 spot on the FBI’s Most Wanted List, you’ve been keeping a low profile and avoiding the gym so an off-duty cop doesn’t recognize you and administer a serious beating before arresting you. The obvious solution here is to get face transplant surgery.

5. Can’t afford a gym membership. Come on, who really can put down that kind of coin? Split the cost with a buddy and have him let you in the back door. If that’s still too steep, commit a crime that lands you in a state or federal pen. They have free workout facilities and, buddy, you’re going to need ‘em.

Got your own sorry ass excuse for letting your body go to hell and deteriorate into a tub of goo? Send ‘em in and we’ll determine if it’s legit. Over and out.